October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Questions to Ask Yourself

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Source

Belittling Behaviors
Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for their own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Source

Violent Behaviors or Threats
Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Source

Controlling Behaviors
Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

 

 

 

 

If you have questions or concerns about your partner's behavior, there is help.  

Source

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Every Month is Sexual Violence Awareness Month: Definitions

April is typically the month designated to heighten awareness to and prevention and treatment of sexual assault and sexual violence crimes, but awareness of this horrendous behavior needs to be on-going.  

To start, the following are definitions of the terms typically used when discussing sexual violence:

Assailant/Perpetrator/Offender/Abuser is someone who attacks another. This is someone who does something, as in a perpetrator of violence or abuse. These terms can be used more or less interchangeably.

Battering is a sociological term coined by the battered women's movement to describe a pattern of physical violence, intimidation, coercion, manipulation and other forms of abuse committed by a person (the batterer) to establish or maintain control of his or her partner.

Child Abuse/Incest/Molestation is the physical, sexual, and/or emotional harming or neglect of a child. Molestation is the sexual abuse of a child; incest is sexual abuse which is perpetrated by a blood relative or other family member, such as a step-parent.

Consent is a continual process by which partners each explicitly and mutually agree and give permission to sexual contact without force, coercion or threat of coercion.

Dating Violence is the verbal, physical, and/or sexual abuse of one partner by the other, in an intimate relationship. Relationship violence implies that the "couple" is not married, does not have a child in common and is not living together. This type of abuse may involve pushing, shoving, hitting, choking, intimidation, threats, humiliation, insults, pressure, destruction of property, isolation, sexual relations without consent, unwanted sexual touching, or pressure to engage in humiliating or degrading sexual activity.

Domestic Violence refers to any criminal offense involving the use or threatened use of physical force, in which the offender and the victim have a familial or household relationship. Domestic violence is a pattern of physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusive behaviors used by one individual to assert power or maintain control over another in the context of an intimate or family relationship or have a child in common.

Forced Object Penetration is penetration of a sexual orifice (anus or vagina) by a finger (digitally) and/or a non-animate object.

Forced Sodomy is anal or oral intercourse without consent.

Gang Rape is when two or more offenders act together to rape the same victim. The offenders include those who actually obtain sexual relations with the victim as well as those who threaten or use force to make the victim submit but do not themselves have sexual relations.

Indecent Exposure (sometimes referred to as "flashing") refers to an individual exposing sexual body parts to another when it is unwanted and unasked for.

Rape: laws and legal definitions of rape vary from state to state, but rape is generally defined as forced or non-consensual sexual intercourse. Rape may be accompanied by fear, threats of harm, and/or actual physical force. Rape may also include situations in which penetration is accomplished when the victim is unable to give consent, or is prevented from resisting, due to being intoxicated, drugged, unconscious, or asleep.

Voyeurism (sometimes referred to as "Peeping Tom Syndrome") refers to a disorder that involves achieving sexual arousal by observing an unsuspecting and non-consenting person who is undressing or unclothed, and/or engaged in sexual activity.

 
 

 

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Source:  Moving to End Sexual Assault
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Behaviors of an Abusive Partner

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Intimate relationships are complex.  Each partner brings something different to the table, and disagreements are part-and-parcel when two unique individuals work to carve out a life together.  Most of the time both partners feel understood, respected and loved for who they are, and in addition to enjoying time together, they are free to have friends, interests and activities outside of the relationship.  This is the type of couplehood to strive for.

This is not always the case for every couple, unfortunately.  When both partners are insecure about themselves and their abilities, fear is a common by-product.  One partner exhibits fear by being the dominant ruler; the other becomes the target of the abuse.

An interesting fact to consider about couples is--depending on their home lives as children and past relationship experiences--they can misinterpret abusive behavior as ways in which to show love.  In these cases, it's the "norm," and what they're accustomed to.

We can change that skewed mindset.  Below is a list of how abusive partners behave to manipulate and exert power over the person they claim to love most in the world. 

• Dominance:  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

• Humiliation:  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

  

  recoveryconnection.com

• Isolation:  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats:  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation:  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

  

  relationships.answers.com

• Denial and blame:  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, alcohol, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Are these things happening in your relationship?  Are they happening to a friend or family member?  No one deserves to live like this.  

There is help.  

In the Capital District of New York State, call the 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (518) 374-3386.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:  (800) 799-SAFE (7233)

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn M. King. All Rights Reserved.