October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Questions to Ask Yourself

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

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Belittling Behaviors
Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for their own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

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Violent Behaviors or Threats
Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

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Controlling Behaviors
Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

 

 

 

 

If you have questions or concerns about your partner's behavior, there is help.  

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Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

10 signs your partner is abusive

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1.  Your partner controls most everything in your life.

• You have no say in what you wear, what you eat,  how you spend your time, how you will keep house, who you will have as friends, etc.

2.  Your partner accuses you of cheating with another person

• Even if you have never given him/her any reason to distrust you, your partner will concoct stories to put you on the defensive of an argument you can't win.

Graphic Source

3.  Your partner doesn't want you to spend time with anyone else without him with you (including your family and friends)

• Your partner wants to keep you close so your interactions with others are scrutinized and monitored, should you want to disclose your unhappiness with the relationship or desire to leave.

4.  Your partner expects you to account for every minute of your day (who you were with, where you were, what did you talk about, etc.)

• For every moment you're not able to attach an event or activity, you are accused of cheating or planning to leave.  (See #2 and #3)

5.  Your partner expects you to account for every penny you spend.

• You are not allowed to have money of your own, even if you earned the money yourself.  Your partner might accuse you of saving money to buy something behind his/her back, or to have the means to get out

6.  Your partner demands sex even when you don't want to.

• This is rape.  Period.  You might fear retaliation should you refuse his/her advances.

Last time she ever makes me a sandwich with beef when I asked for ham.

7.  Your partner calls you derogatory names, puts you down and disrespects you not only in private, but humiliates you in front of other people

• This is a mind-game to establish authority, and to keep you from believing that another person could (and would) actually want you and treat you better.  Your partner secretly fears that you will leave, and will do whatever it takes to make you feel badly about yourself, and to kill whatever desire you might have to leave him/her.

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8.  Your partner is unkind, harmful and/or violent toward family pets and other animals

• This kind of behavior raises HUGE red flags. More than two decades of psychological and sociological research reveals that barbarous acts toward animals often lead to brutality toward humans. The American Psychiatric Association considers animal cruelty as one of the diagnostic criteria of conduct disorder. The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) defines conduct disorder as "a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age appropriate societal norms or rules are violated." Conduct disorder is found in those who abuse animals and abuse people.  

9.  Your partner makes you feel afraid every day.

• As long as you're afraid, your partner has completely taken over your personal power, which makes it difficult to leave.

10.  Your partner makes going to college, work or volunteer events difficult.

• He/she takes away the car keys, doesn't come home to watch the kids, refuses to let you leave the house, shows up unannounced and embarrasses you in front of classmates, co-workers, etc.

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

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(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Behaviors of an Abusive Partner

vimeo.com

Intimate relationships are complex.  Each partner brings something different to the table, and disagreements are part-and-parcel when two unique individuals work to carve out a life together.  Most of the time both partners feel understood, respected and loved for who they are, and in addition to enjoying time together, they are free to have friends, interests and activities outside of the relationship.  This is the type of couplehood to strive for.

This is not always the case for every couple, unfortunately.  When both partners are insecure about themselves and their abilities, fear is a common by-product.  One partner exhibits fear by being the dominant ruler; the other becomes the target of the abuse.

An interesting fact to consider about couples is--depending on their home lives as children and past relationship experiences--they can misinterpret abusive behavior as ways in which to show love.  In these cases, it's the "norm," and what they're accustomed to.

We can change that skewed mindset.  Below is a list of how abusive partners behave to manipulate and exert power over the person they claim to love most in the world. 

• Dominance:  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

• Humiliation:  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

  

  recoveryconnection.com

• Isolation:  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats:  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation:  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

  

  relationships.answers.com

• Denial and blame:  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, alcohol, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Are these things happening in your relationship?  Are they happening to a friend or family member?  No one deserves to live like this.  

There is help.  

In the Capital District of New York State, call the 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (518) 374-3386.

National Domestic Violence Hotline:  (800) 799-SAFE (7233)

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn M. King. All Rights Reserved.