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Buddhist texts say your dreams become sweeter, you waken more easily, men and women will love you, angels and devils will love you. If you lose things they will be returned. People will welcome you everywhere when you are forgiving and loving. Your thoughts become pleasant.
Four: Discover that it is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering.
This is a big one. We are so accustomed to our suffering, focusing on the trauma and the betrayal of “what happened to me.” OK, it happened. It was horrible. But is that what defines you? “Live in joy” says the Buddha. Look at the Dali Lama, who bears the weight of oppression in Tibet and the loss of his culture, and yet he’s also a very happy and joyful person. He says, "They have taken so much. They have destroyed temples, burned our texts, disrobed our monks and nuns, limited our culture and destroyed it in so many ways. Why should I also let them take my joy and peace of mind?"
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It’s a training, it’s a process, layer by layer—that is how the body and the psyche work.
Six: Set your intention to forgive.
Setting an intention is stating what the desired outcome will be for you; how will you and your life be different when you attain forgiveness? By having that intention, you can more easily overcome obstacles because you know where you're going: whether it is in business, a relationship, a love affair, a creative activity, or in the work of the heart.
Seven: Learn the inner and outer forms of forgiveness.
There are meditation practices for the inner forms, but for the outer forms, there are also certain kinds of confessions and making amends.
Eight: Start with whatever opens your heart.
Maybe it’s your dog, maybe it’s the Dali Lama, and maybe it’s your child which is the thing or person that you most love and can forgive. Then you bring in someone who is a little more difficult to forgive. Only when the heart is all the way open do you take on something difficult.
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And grief, as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has spelled out, consists of bargaining, loss, fear, and anger. You have to be willing to go through this process in some honorable way, as I’m sure Nelson Mandela did. Indeed, he has described how [before he could forgive his captors] he was outraged and angry and hurt and all the things that anyone would feel. So be willing to grieve, and then to let go.
Ten: Forgiveness includes all the dimensions of our life.
Forgiveness is work of the body. It’s work of the emotions. It’s work of the mind. And it’s interpersonal work done through our relationships.
Eleven: Forgiveness involves a shift of identity.
There is in us an undying capacity for love and freedom that is untouched by what happens to you. To come back to this true nature is the work of forgiveness.
Twelve: Forgiveness involves perspective.
We are in this drama in life that is so much bigger than our ‘little stories.’ When we can open this perspective, we see it is not just your hurt, but the hurt of humanity. Everyone who loves is hurt in some way. Everyone who enters the marketplace gets betrayed. The loss is not just your pain, it is the pain of being alive. Then you feel connected to everyone in this vastness.
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