October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Questions to Ask Yourself

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

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Belittling Behaviors
Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for their own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Source

Violent Behaviors or Threats
Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Source

Controlling Behaviors
Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

 

 

 

 

If you have questions or concerns about your partner's behavior, there is help.  

Source

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

7 Habits of Highly Resilient People

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Grit.  Tenacity.  Bounce-back.  Adaptability.  Resilience.

Resilient people don’t give in to anger or despair when faced with a setback. Instead, they tap into a greater purpose to bounce back stronger than ever.

“They find resilience by moving toward a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs,” says Hara Estroff Marano, editor at large of Psychology Today.

Highly resilient people know how to bend to inevitable failures and tragedies and not break. Here are seven habits of people who know how to confront adversity and move on with their lives stronger than before:

1. They have a strong sense of purpose.

Resilient people make a habit of being persistent. “Knowing what one wants is the first and, perhaps, the most important step toward the development of persistence,” says Napoleon Hill in “Think and Grow Rich,” one of the top-selling books of all time.

2. They are self-reliant.

Resilient people believe that they are fully capable of carrying out their purpose, says Hill, which allows them to rebound from setbacks.

3. They have a support network.

Just because successful people are self-confident and can rely on themselves doesn’t mean that they isolate themselves from others. Studies show that having intimate relationships with friends and family provides the benefits of belonging, increased self-worth, and security that reduces stress levels, especially in times of crisis.

4. They are accepting.

Resilient people understand that frustrating situations, failures, and tragedies are inevitable parts of life, and they’re able to move on because they don’t ignore or repress their pain. “Acceptance is not about giving up and letting the stress take over, it’s about leaning in to experience the full range of emotions and trusting that we will bounce back,” Brad Waters writes in Psychology Today.

5. They are optimists.

Those who move forward do not dwell in a state of victimhood or self-loathing. “What the resilient do is refrain from blaming themselves for what has gone wrong,” says Marano of Psychology Today. “In the language of psychology, they externalize blame. And they internalize success; they take responsibility for what goes right in their lives.”

6. They turn adversity into opportunities for growth.

In “The Obstacle Is the Way,” Ryan Holiday points to several historical examples of people who practice the ancient Greek philosophy of Stoicism by re-framing adversity as an opportunity for triumph. He cites Nassim Taleb, who defines a Stoic as someone who “transforms fear into prudence, pain into transformation, mistakes into initiation, and desire into undertaking.”

7. They take care of their health.

Psychologist Karen Horneffer-Ginter focuses on the physical characteristics of resilient people, who know how to keep stress from accumulating and then crippling them. She says exercise and meditation can be great ways to clear the mind of anxiety. “Unplugging and stepping off the wheel of our doing can offer just the reset we need to re-find our center,” she says.

Source; This article was originally published on Business Insider.

Images:  Courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise notated.

(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

How to Change Your World (According to Gandhi)

 1. Change yourself.

When you change how you think, then you will change how you feel and will in turn affect the actions you take. So the world around you will change as well, not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions, but because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn’t have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns. 

2. You are in control.

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You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don’t have to freak out, overreact or even react in a negative way.  As you come to realize that no one outside of yourself actually controls how you feel, you can begin to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. This new habit can grow stronger and stronger over time.  A huge benefit is this will make your life a whole lot easier and much more pleasurable.

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3. Forgive and let it go. 
Forgiveness does not equal condoning.  Forgiveness benefits you, and not the person whom you are forgiving.  Forgiveness allows you to release old hurts and disappointments so that you can move forward with a new, more positive way of viewing your life.  When you forgive, you have taken control over your feelings and choose to release yourself from the bonds of what has been holding you back.

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4. Take action to live the life you want.

Resistance to taking action comes from you imagining negative future consequences, or reflecting on past failures. To truly accept your worth and purpose in your life, Gandhi stated that you must practice this belief in your thoughts, feelings and actions daily. When you are grateful for the life you live, you must practice that gratitude faithfully.  You must practice the skill of being the best version of you. The result for "walking the walk" is a fuller understanding of your place in the world and what you can do to make a positive impact.

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5. Take care of this moment.

The only thing we can be absolutely certain of is what's happening in this moment.  And this moment.  And this one.  Gandhi encourages staying in the present as much as possible and to be accepting. The past is gone, and the future is an uncontrollable entity.  What you're doing right now is all that matters. Enjoy where you are.  Appreciate and accept what is.

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6. Everyone is human.

When we idolize others, such as celebrities, political leaders and sports figures, we run the risk of becoming setting them apart from our experiences and abilities. You think you could never achieve that status because they're special and different from you. The truth is, everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time.  We are all human, fallible and capable of making mistakes.  Speaking of mistakes, we must stop beating ourselves up over mistakes we've made and instead see with clarity where we went wrong, what we can learn from those mistakes, and try, try again. And again.

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7. Persist.

One of the reasons people don’t get what they want is simply because they give up too soon. The time they think an achievement will require isn’t realistic or they just don't understand what it takes to see something through. 

Never give up.  Find what you really like to do, and you’ll find the inner motivation to keep going, going and going. Gandhi was so successful with his method of non-violence was because he and his followers were so persistent. They just didn’t give up.

Source

8. See the good in people and help them.

We can choose to focus on what's good in people, while maintaining awareness of their ability to make poor choices. When you see the good in people it becomes easier to be motivated to be of service to them. By being of service and recognizing their value, the rewards are multiple:  a) you feel good knowing you've eased another person's burden; b) the person you helped feels more connected to the community; and c) the people you help may feel more inclined to pay it forward. And so you, together, create an upward spiral of positive change that grows and becomes stronger.

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9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self.

When your thoughts, words and actions are aligned, you feel powerful and good about yourself.  When words and thoughts match, that shows through in your communication.  With these channels in alignment people tend to really listen to what you’re saying. You are communicating with sincerity, self-respect and a desire to truly connect with others.

10. Continue to grow and evolve.

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Humans are works in progress.  The world provides us with experiences that challenge our beliefs and values. Ask yourself whether what you believed as a child is still your stance today.  Is your best friend the same one you had when you were in middle school?  People change, and so do their preferences and beliefs.  This is GOOD.  We're supposed to evolve and become the best version of ourselves.  If you need convincing, see Rule #1 above.

  

Source:  The Positivity Blog

Images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Rethinking Failure

Fact:  If, when we were toddlers, we believed that falling down once meant that we'd never learn to walk, we'd all be crawling on our hands and knees today.
 
If falling off of a bike repeatedly meant you'd never learn how not to fall, Schwinn would have gone out of business a long time ago and there'd be no such thing as the Tour de Cure.

[I will assume that your toddler mindset didn't let many tumbles, wobbles and falling on your butt keep you from walking upright, and getting your knees skinned and dumping your bike more than once didn't end your quest to be a skilled rider.]

Know why you can walk, ride a bike, write, read, ski, and so on?  Because your younger self didn't know what failure was.  It wasn't an option so there was nothing keeping you from mastering those skills.  You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and started all over again.  And again.  And again.  You figured out how to balance yourself just right so that you fell less and less often.  You eventually got really good at it.  You took repeated failures and used them as learning opportunities.

That's called resilience.

At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I think that our ever-growing reliance on technology has been the death-knell of resilience.  I'm noticing that people who seem to always have a phone or tablet bonded to their hands, or folks who spend uncountable hours in front of a computer screen, are less skilled at dealing with obstacles that life throws their way.
  
The 24/7/365 availability of information and communication opportunities have replaced the practice-til-you-get-it method of building and honing academic, social and interpersonal skills.  It has also taken failure out of the realm of possibilities, and turned it from a singular event into how to describe oneself.

The fallout is a population that doesn't know what to do when things go wrong: 
When they don't do something right the first time (or the second time.  Or the third).  
When losing a competition and not receiving a consolation prize.
When learning something new and it doesn't go perfectly right away.
How to lose gracefully and with sportsmanship.
How to take failure as an opportunity to grow and learn and get and be better.

We don't need consoling when we fail. Or a trophy for participation.  We need to build grit.  Rethink what we can learn from the experience. Show our tenacity.  Try, try again.   


All images courtesy of Google Images, unless otherwise noted.
(c) Robyn King.  All Rights Reserved.

Every Month is Sexual Violence Awareness Month: After-Effects for Survivors

Experiencing a sexual assault can affect survivors in many different ways. You may find yourself feeling or behaving very differently than usual. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to react, and there is no universal way to respond to trauma such as sexual violence. Only you know how you feel and you have a right to express those feelings in whatever way you need to.  

Many survivors experience:

• nightmares
• fear
• flashbacks
• difficulty concentrating
• anger
• anxiety
• guilt
• self-blame
• confusion
• shock or numbness
• difficulty sleeping
• avoidance of sex or promiscuity
• loss of control
• vulnerability and mistrust

If you have experienced some or all of these feelings following a sexual assault, remember that you are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal and traumatic experience. On the other hand, these reactions may not fit your experience at all, and that's okay too.  It's greatly recommended that you meet with a counselor or therapist to work through the emotional and psychological after-effects of a sexual assault, so that you may begin to feel safe again.

Graphic Image

Below are more of the after-effects that some survivors experience; click on the link for more information.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Survivors of sexual assault may experience severe feelings of anxiety, stress or fear, known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as a direct result of the assault.

Substance Abuse

Victims of rape or sexual assault may turn to alcohol or other substances in an attempt to relieve their emotional suffering.

Self-Harm / Self-Injury

Deliberate self-harm, or self-injury, is when a person inflicts physical harm on himself or herself.

Stockholm Syndrome

Described as a victim’s emotional “bonding” with their abuser, Stockholm Syndrome develops subconsciously and on an involuntary basis.

Depression

There are many emotional and psychological reactions that victims of rape and sexual assault can experience. One of the most common of these is depression.

Sexually Transmitted Infections

Table of Sexually Transmitted Infections, their symptoms, treatment, and possible complications.

Pregnancy

If you were recently raped, you may have concerns about becoming pregnant from the attack. If the rape happened a long time ago, you may have concerns about a pregnancy that resulted from the attack.

Eating Disorders

Victims and survivors with eating disorders often use food and the control of food as an attempt to deal with or compensate for negative feelings and emotions and to regain control over one's life.

Body Memories

Body memories are when the stress of the memories of the abuse experienced by an individual take the form of physical problems that cannot be explained by the usual means.

Suicide

If you are currently thinking about suicide, or know someone who is, please reach out for help.

Military Sexual Trauma

Military sexual trauma (MST) is a technical term that refers to the psychological trauma experienced by military service members, as a result of sexual assault or sexual harassment, as classified by the Department of Veterans Affairs.

Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse experience an array of overwhelming and intense feelings. These may include feelings of fear, guilt, and shame.

Photo Credit

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Sources:
RAINN.org
Moving to End Sexual Assault
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Every Month is Sexual Violence Awareness Month: Getting Medical Attention

Immediately after a sexual assault has been committed, the most important thing is for the victim to get to a safe place. Whether it be the victim’s home, a friend’s home or with a family member, immediate safety is what matters most.

When a feeling of safety has been achieved, it's vital for the victim to receive medical attention, regardless of his/her decision to report the crime to the police. For the victim’s health and self-protection, it's important to be checked and treated for possible injuries, even if none are visible.

This includes testing for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs), as well as receiving preventative treatments that may be available, depending upon the local response and resources. For instance, medications to prevent STIs and pregnancy and protect against HIV transmission may be offered.

In addition to receiving medical attention, victims are encouraged to receive a forensic examination. This exam is important because preserving DNA evidence can be key to identifying the perpetrator in a sexual assault case, especially those in which the offender is a stranger. DNA evidence is an integral part of a law enforcement investigation that can build a strong case to show that a sexual assault occurred and to show that the defendant is the source of biological material left on the victim’s body. Victims have the right to accept or decline any or all parts of the exam; however, it's important to remember that critical evidence may be missed if not collected or analyzed.

Victims should make every effort to save anything that might contain the perpetrator’s DNA; therefore a victim should not:

• Bathe or shower
• Use the restroom
• Change clothes
• Comb hair
• Clean up the crime scene
• Move anything the offender may have touched

Even if the victim has not yet decided to report the crime, receiving a forensic medical exam and keeping the evidence safe from damage will improve the chances that the police can access and test the stored evidence at a later date.

Learn more about the importance of preserving and collecting forensic evidence and the importance of DNA in a sexual assault case.

In Schenectady, victims should call the 24-Hour Rape Crisis Hotline at 518-346-2266, where a highly trained and compassionate advocate will explain the process and could accompany the victim through the evidence collection process.  [Outside of Schenectady, NY, to find a local hospital or healthcare facility that is equipped to collect forensic evidence, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE)]. 


The following is a very brief description of what to expect during a forensic medical exam or "rape kit". Remember to ask questions as you go along if you don't understand something and remember you can refuse any part of the exam if you choose.

• You should try not to use the bathroom, eat, or drink before the exam because this may interfere with some aspects of evidence collection.
• You must give written consent to have the exam performed.
• You'll be asked to give a general medical history (i.e. current medications, past illnesses etc...)
• You'll be asked to give a "sexual assault/abuse history" which is a detailed description of the assault.
• If you're wearing clothing you wore during the assault you may be asked to give it to the nurse as evidence.
• The nurse will take various "samples" from you (such as fingernail scrapings, hair standards, oral swabs etc...) this is for evidence collection and to establish a difference between your DNA and any other that is found.
• If you think you were given a "drug" used to facilitate a rape or sexual assault the nurse will collect a urine sample. Depending on the time lapsed since the assault, the nurse may also advise the collection of blood.
• The nurse will offer you emergency contraception and medications that may help to prevent contraction of sexually transmitted diseases.
• The final stage of the exam is a vaginal/penile exam in which the nurse will check for injuries and evidence.

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

For more information on what to do if you or someone else is sexually assaulted in New York State, click HERE.

Sources:  RAINN.org,  Moving to End Sexual Assault,
New York State Dept. of Health Sexual Violence Services
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Every Month is Sexual Violence Awareness Month: What to Do If You're Sexually Assaulted

Get to a safe place.

If you cannot get somewhere safe, call 911 immediately.

Don't shower, eat, drink, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, or change your clothes before going to the hospital.

These activities may eliminate valuable evidence that could assist in prosecution if you choose to file a police report. However, if you have already done these things, please don't let this stop you from seeking medical care. If you have already changed your clothes, place the clothes in a clean paper bag and bring them with you.

Seek immediate medical attention.

Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

Decide whether you want to make a police report.

Choosing to report the assault to the police is an individual decision, so don't let anyone pressure you either way or another. You do not need to report to police in order to receive medical care.

Get information whenever you have questions or concerns.

After a sexual assault, you have a lot of choices and decisions to make; e.g., medical care and follow-up needs, participating in law enforcement investigation, telling other people, and returning to work. Ask questions if you are confused or not sure about your options.

Seek support for yourself.

You have been through a traumatic experience and may need help dealing with the impact of the assault. Even if it happened a long time ago, it is never too late to talk to someone about it. You do not have to go through this alone. 

In Schenectady, call the 24-Hour Rape Crisis Hotline 518.346.2266
or
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

Free. Confidential. 24/7.

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Source:  Moving to End Sexual Assault
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

Every Month is Sexual Violence Awareness Month: Reducing the Risk

Risk Factors

Drugs and Alcohol: Drugs and alcohol are the number one factor that leads to non-stranger (date/acquaintance) rape. Many victims say that their ability to react was impaired because they were drinking or taking drugs, or that their date had been drinking and became sexually aggressive.

Lawrence Greenfield did a study that found that drinking offenders committed over a third of the rapes or sexual assaults of persons older than 12.
 
Different Expectations: Acquaintance rape often occurs as a result of misunderstood sex role behaviors and/or communication styles. Don't assume that one form of sexual contact opens the door to other sexual contacts. Also, communicate your sexual expectations with your partner. If you think you are getting mixed messages, ask.

Believing No Means Yes: People who regard sex as "scoring" often believe "no" can be changed to "yes" with a little more pressure or force.

Acquaintance rape often masquerades as seduction, with the perpetrators rarely feeling they have done anything wrong. They believe that pressure is a legitimate way to get what they want.

Risk Reduction

Although sexual violence can never be prevented, here are some suggestions to help you reduce your risk of being assaulted.

• Trust your gut. If you don't feel comfortable in a situation, leave.
• Be in charge of your own life. Don't put yourself in a situation where you have to rely on other people to take care of you. Also, when on a date, don't feel you "owe" that person anything.
• Be cautious inviting someone into your home or going to someone else's home. Three out of 5 sexual assaults occur in the victim's home or the home of an acquaintance.
• Do not mix sexual decisions with drugs and alcohol. Your ability to make smart decisions is hampered when you are drunk or high.
• When going out with someone new, don't feel you have to go alone. Go on a group date or meet in a public place.
• Be aware of date rape drugs. Don't accept beverages from open containers and don't leave your drink unattended.
• Avoid falling for lines such as "If you loved me." If your partner loved you, he/she would respect your feelings and wait until you are ready.
• Avoid individuals who:
  • don't listen to you
  • ignore personal space boundaries
  • make you feel guilty or accuse you of being "uptight" for resisting sexual advances
  • express sexists attitudes and jokes
  • act jealous or possessive
• Communicate. Think about what you really want before you get into a sexual situation, and communicate clearly with your partner. If you think you are getting mixed messages, ask your date what he/she wants.
• Be assertive. Respect yourself enough not to do anything you don't want to do. Your opinions matter, and when you say "no," your date should stop.

When "No" Doesn't Work

Sometimes, saying "no" will not stop a sexual assault. Listed below are several ways you can react in a sexually violent situation. Thinking about what you would do before an assault ever happens can be your best self-defense strategy.

• Act immediately: Trust your intuition and get away if possible. Don't give in to a person's sexual demands in the hope that you can divert him/her later on.
• Stay calm. Try to think clearly about all your options. Your brain is your best weapon.
• Passive resistance. You may be able to discourage the attacker by talking. Persuade him/her not to commit the assault by making him/her see you as a friend.
• Active resistance. If you are not afraid to hurt someone, hit and kick hard-this gives you the opportunity to escape. However, fighting back may anger the attacker and cause him/her to attack more brutally. Self-defense training can make you more confident and improve your physical strength. Training is effective, but it takes continuous practice. It is not a substitute for common sense and awareness.
• Submitting. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. If you feel your life is in danger, your best option may be to submit. Submitting does not mean you consented. The assault is not your fault

(c) Copyright 2014 Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.

For more sexual violence prevention program resources in New York State, click HERE.
 

Sources: New York State Dept. of Health Sexual Violence Services,  Moving to End Sexual Assault
 
(c) Robyn King. All Rights Reserved.